Dreams. Hope. Disappointment. Thankfulness. Redemption.
I want to share a little piece of my heart on a matter between God's will and your longing's.
I am not writing this for someone to throw a pity party for me or to get attention. I strictly want to be a light to those who need it and to follow what I believe God is leading me to write. May this Glorify my God.
Psalm 73:25-26 (KJV)
"25 Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee.
26 My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever."
What do you long for? What sacred dream do have that has not come true? A dream that you believe aligns with God's Word and you can see how it can bring Honor and Glory to your Heavenly Father, but yet God has not given it to you. Does it hurt to talk about? Does it pain you because it is a wound of an ever longing desire that has not been fulfilled? I'm writing this post not from someone who has had that specific longing fulfilled, but from one who is in your shoes. One who hangs by a thread of faith and hope. One who herself still cries as Hannah did for a child. I know I am blessed by such a wonderful life, but occasionally I fall for the desires of my heart and cry. May this post bless you and give you a pure perspective of our faith in a loving God.
Dreams.
Such dreams had I as a child. Always pretending to be a mommy. Dreams of having plenty of children and a loving husband. I was so silly, because I would pretend as a child that I would have a large number of kids and a brother that would live with me(usually Nolan would comply to be the uncle that lived with my pretend family) and I would always pretend that we were poor, but always happy. Always making the best of every scenario and my husband would be somewhere a far off trying to earn money for our family. I was always so deep and dramatic about when we would play as kids that I believed it would make a great movie someday. Usually I always wanted to be the beloved character that always had a tragic death. Nolan would always get mad at me when I would, because that would be my way of being done playing pretend.
Obviously, my true dreams wasn't to tragically die, but my dreams have always been to live by faith in God with a husband and children. To find joy in the little things and always making the best out of life. Dreams change and get a little more detailed as you become a teenager. Dreams become more about how you'll meet the guy, where you will live, what he will look like, and all of the above for teenage girls.
Hope.
High hopes and romantic notions had I. You would laugh at me, because I had a detailed dream as to what bible college I would go to, what year I would get married, what ministry/mission field God would call us to, how many kids we would have, and more of the typical(or not typical. I've been called odd before) dreams a girl would have.
Disappointment.
Sometimes and in my case dreams become a little bleak and hard to see as you get older. Searching for God's direction and will for your life while trying not to overthink. Yes, I am an over thinker. I analyze EVERYTHING. Analyzing has its pros and cons, but it is not a pro when it comes to men. I always seem to be on the look out for when God will bring the right guy along without even trying to be. Unfortunately, that leads me to over thinking if a specific guy in my life is the one or not, but God is teaching me that I don't need to know right away and God will be the one to open the door.
God will.
Will God?
Will God open the door?
Is it God's will?
Disappointment hurts. I can tell you numerous personal stories of how God was leading and intervening that even those around me are baffled at the climax of a love story they thought was unfolding, but never did. I can't explain them. I still don't understand why the climax is so vague. It's disappointments like this where you have a choice to make. A choice to trust or choice to get bitter. It's scary, but that's the emotions that flood through me in that pivotal moment. Do you choose to pour your heart out to God? Or do you try to brush it off and pretend that everything is fine with a bitter smirk?
The danger of being disappointed in what you thought God was doing is; unthankfulness, unbelief, and even bitterness if you're not careful. It pains my heart to open up of these things, because it reminds me of how ugly I can be with my attitude when I don't get what I want and when Jesus isn't in control.
Sound familiar?
God reminded me. That was the same boat the Israelites were in(hypothetically speaking) when wondering through the wilderness. Looking to fleshly desires and not looking to all God had done and was doing for them. Being faithful to thank God and showing forth praise is of utmost importance in our daily life. That I have learned and am reminded of often. I will tell you why in the upcoming part of this post.
Thankfulness.
I have my good days and bad days when it comes to looking to God and wondering about tomorrow. Unfortunately, Sunday was a bad day. I was reading posts on those who were single and how they continue serving God and living for Him WITH Joy. No regrets. I came across one where a girl was talking about how she was 40 years old and still not married and how that was her dream. To be a wife and mom. She talked about how she was an only child and how she dealt with the disappointment in knowing her parents would never be grandparents. I started crying. My heart couldn't bare to hear it. I just sat in my car and cried like I have never cried before. Wondering why God wouldn't give her that desire and would I be in her shoes someday..... heartache. Pain that I had come to grips with and had finally been honest to myself about. There was no one other than God that I wanted to talk to. No one could give me an answer that would heal a heart that ached tremendously as mine. I got out of my car wanting to just escape to somewhere and just forget about my heartache. I packed a book and was planning on doing something... anything by myself until church that evening. I just couldn't go anywhere though. There was now what I felt as a rock on my heart and I knew there was no where I could go, but to the garage to cry to God. I just sat in the garage and prayed and cried and prayed and cried some more. God started speaking to me about how I can trust Him and how He loves me very much. He wanted me to give that precious dream to Him. It hurt. Handing over such a precious dream. A dream that I believed was so beautiful. I gave it to Him as if it was the most fragile and precious thing. As if I needed Him to know its fragility and pricelessness. He knows. In that moment I remembered a picture of a little girl holding a little teddy bear and Jesus asking for it while holding a larger teddy bear behind His back. A perfect picture of what God wanted me to do. To obey Him. To trust Him. To love Him.
Instantly after the hymn "Where Could I Go" came to my mind. I started singing from my heart truly knowing that there was no where else I could go, but to the Lord.
While I sat there I did ask God to forgive me of my unthankfulness, bitterness, unbelief, and to change my heart in these matters.
Afterwards I came to my room and opened up my bible, because I knew that comfort comes from God's precious Word. I didn't turn to any page but started reading where it opened to. This was the passage.
Psalm 73:22-28
"22 So foolish was I, and ignorant: I was as a beast before thee.
23 Nevertheless I am continually with thee: thou hast holden me by my right hand.
24 Thou shalt guide me with thy counsel, and afterward receive me to glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee.
26 My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever.
27 For, lo, they that are far from thee shall perish: thou hast destroyed all them that go a whoring from thee.
28 But it is good for me to draw near to God: I have put my trust in the Lord God, that I may declare all thy works."
God is the strength of my heart!!! My heart fails. My flesh fails. So foolish was I and ignorant of God's goodness! The lady may not have married from the post I have read, but she has a wonderful life and is following God's plan for her. She did mention how those are disappointments that come up, but she also talked of the life she is joyfully living!
Redemption.
Bro. Goff chose to sing "Where Could I Go" during our singing of Hymns(not a coincidence).
Although, the evening church service was not what I was expecting. I was expecting my dad to preach on comfort or hope, but instead my dad spoke on God's mercy. That was alcohol to my wound. It convicted me so deeply. One thing I have learned from my devotional series from Beth Moore is that conviction is not there to condemn us, but God wants to liberate us through conviction. To clean the wound of our impurities(sin) such as; unbelief, unthankfulness, and other sins alike. I was almost in tears when my dad read from Psalm 103.
Psalm 103King James Version (KJV)
3 Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases;
4 Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies;
5 Who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle's.
6 The Lord executeth righteousness and judgment for all that are oppressed.
7 He made known his ways unto Moses, his acts unto the children of Israel.
8 The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy.
9 He will not always chide: neither will he keep his anger for ever.
10 He hath not dealt with us after our sins; nor rewarded us according to our iniquities.
11 For as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is his mercy toward them that fear him.
12 As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us.
13 Like as a father pitieth his children, so the Lord pitieth them that fear him."
God redeems my life from destruction and crowns me with lovingkindness and tender mercies!
Oh, how God's ways are so tender towards me! He loves me even when my attitude is so ugly! His mercy! His mercy is so much stronger than the mercies of a parent with a child. So much mercy that I do not deserve! Not to even mention Salvation and what He did on the cross for me and the whole world!
God satisfies my mouth with good things!
I am blessed with food for each day that He provides! I am blessed with a job that God provided for me! I have a loving big family whom I consider to be the closest friends that I will ever have! I could go on!
"I am so blessed. God is so good to me...... precious are his thoughts of you and me."
God redeems our life and gives a life that will have eternal value. I'm not saying I believe I will never marry, but all God wants me to do is to sit at His feet, to love Him, to worship Him, and to always be in the spirit of thankfulness.
Psalms 100:4 Enter into his gates with thanksgiving, [and] into his courts with praise: be thankful unto him, [and] bless his name.
Philippians 4:6 Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.
1 Thessalonians 5:18 In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.
Psalms 106:1 Praise ye the LORD. O give thanks unto the LORD; for [he is] good: for his mercy [endureth] for ever.
"In times of sadness and heartache, He taught me to receive His peace through giving thanks in all circumstances. I learned that even in those moments of absolute brokenness I could depend on Him, He was always there." -Elizabeth Urbanowicz from "And The Bride Wore White"
I don't know what heartache you have, but I do know that there is no where else to go, but to the Lord. I am praying for this post to speak right to the heart of my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.
"Where could I go
Oh, where could I go
Seeking a refuge for my soul
Needing a friend to help me in the end
Where could I go but to the Lord "
To know Him,
Mackenzie Knouf
Philippians 3:10
I want to share a little piece of my heart on a matter between God's will and your longing's.
I am not writing this for someone to throw a pity party for me or to get attention. I strictly want to be a light to those who need it and to follow what I believe God is leading me to write. May this Glorify my God.
Psalm 73:25-26 (KJV)
"25 Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee.
26 My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever."
What do you long for? What sacred dream do have that has not come true? A dream that you believe aligns with God's Word and you can see how it can bring Honor and Glory to your Heavenly Father, but yet God has not given it to you. Does it hurt to talk about? Does it pain you because it is a wound of an ever longing desire that has not been fulfilled? I'm writing this post not from someone who has had that specific longing fulfilled, but from one who is in your shoes. One who hangs by a thread of faith and hope. One who herself still cries as Hannah did for a child. I know I am blessed by such a wonderful life, but occasionally I fall for the desires of my heart and cry. May this post bless you and give you a pure perspective of our faith in a loving God.
Dreams.
Such dreams had I as a child. Always pretending to be a mommy. Dreams of having plenty of children and a loving husband. I was so silly, because I would pretend as a child that I would have a large number of kids and a brother that would live with me(usually Nolan would comply to be the uncle that lived with my pretend family) and I would always pretend that we were poor, but always happy. Always making the best of every scenario and my husband would be somewhere a far off trying to earn money for our family. I was always so deep and dramatic about when we would play as kids that I believed it would make a great movie someday. Usually I always wanted to be the beloved character that always had a tragic death. Nolan would always get mad at me when I would, because that would be my way of being done playing pretend.
Obviously, my true dreams wasn't to tragically die, but my dreams have always been to live by faith in God with a husband and children. To find joy in the little things and always making the best out of life. Dreams change and get a little more detailed as you become a teenager. Dreams become more about how you'll meet the guy, where you will live, what he will look like, and all of the above for teenage girls.
Hope.
High hopes and romantic notions had I. You would laugh at me, because I had a detailed dream as to what bible college I would go to, what year I would get married, what ministry/mission field God would call us to, how many kids we would have, and more of the typical(or not typical. I've been called odd before) dreams a girl would have.
Disappointment.
Sometimes and in my case dreams become a little bleak and hard to see as you get older. Searching for God's direction and will for your life while trying not to overthink. Yes, I am an over thinker. I analyze EVERYTHING. Analyzing has its pros and cons, but it is not a pro when it comes to men. I always seem to be on the look out for when God will bring the right guy along without even trying to be. Unfortunately, that leads me to over thinking if a specific guy in my life is the one or not, but God is teaching me that I don't need to know right away and God will be the one to open the door.
God will.
Will God?
Will God open the door?
Is it God's will?
Disappointment hurts. I can tell you numerous personal stories of how God was leading and intervening that even those around me are baffled at the climax of a love story they thought was unfolding, but never did. I can't explain them. I still don't understand why the climax is so vague. It's disappointments like this where you have a choice to make. A choice to trust or choice to get bitter. It's scary, but that's the emotions that flood through me in that pivotal moment. Do you choose to pour your heart out to God? Or do you try to brush it off and pretend that everything is fine with a bitter smirk?
The danger of being disappointed in what you thought God was doing is; unthankfulness, unbelief, and even bitterness if you're not careful. It pains my heart to open up of these things, because it reminds me of how ugly I can be with my attitude when I don't get what I want and when Jesus isn't in control.
Sound familiar?
God reminded me. That was the same boat the Israelites were in(hypothetically speaking) when wondering through the wilderness. Looking to fleshly desires and not looking to all God had done and was doing for them. Being faithful to thank God and showing forth praise is of utmost importance in our daily life. That I have learned and am reminded of often. I will tell you why in the upcoming part of this post.
Thankfulness.
I have my good days and bad days when it comes to looking to God and wondering about tomorrow. Unfortunately, Sunday was a bad day. I was reading posts on those who were single and how they continue serving God and living for Him WITH Joy. No regrets. I came across one where a girl was talking about how she was 40 years old and still not married and how that was her dream. To be a wife and mom. She talked about how she was an only child and how she dealt with the disappointment in knowing her parents would never be grandparents. I started crying. My heart couldn't bare to hear it. I just sat in my car and cried like I have never cried before. Wondering why God wouldn't give her that desire and would I be in her shoes someday..... heartache. Pain that I had come to grips with and had finally been honest to myself about. There was no one other than God that I wanted to talk to. No one could give me an answer that would heal a heart that ached tremendously as mine. I got out of my car wanting to just escape to somewhere and just forget about my heartache. I packed a book and was planning on doing something... anything by myself until church that evening. I just couldn't go anywhere though. There was now what I felt as a rock on my heart and I knew there was no where I could go, but to the garage to cry to God. I just sat in the garage and prayed and cried and prayed and cried some more. God started speaking to me about how I can trust Him and how He loves me very much. He wanted me to give that precious dream to Him. It hurt. Handing over such a precious dream. A dream that I believed was so beautiful. I gave it to Him as if it was the most fragile and precious thing. As if I needed Him to know its fragility and pricelessness. He knows. In that moment I remembered a picture of a little girl holding a little teddy bear and Jesus asking for it while holding a larger teddy bear behind His back. A perfect picture of what God wanted me to do. To obey Him. To trust Him. To love Him.
Instantly after the hymn "Where Could I Go" came to my mind. I started singing from my heart truly knowing that there was no where else I could go, but to the Lord.
While I sat there I did ask God to forgive me of my unthankfulness, bitterness, unbelief, and to change my heart in these matters.
Afterwards I came to my room and opened up my bible, because I knew that comfort comes from God's precious Word. I didn't turn to any page but started reading where it opened to. This was the passage.
Psalm 73:22-28
"22 So foolish was I, and ignorant: I was as a beast before thee.
23 Nevertheless I am continually with thee: thou hast holden me by my right hand.
24 Thou shalt guide me with thy counsel, and afterward receive me to glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee.
26 My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever.
27 For, lo, they that are far from thee shall perish: thou hast destroyed all them that go a whoring from thee.
28 But it is good for me to draw near to God: I have put my trust in the Lord God, that I may declare all thy works."
God is the strength of my heart!!! My heart fails. My flesh fails. So foolish was I and ignorant of God's goodness! The lady may not have married from the post I have read, but she has a wonderful life and is following God's plan for her. She did mention how those are disappointments that come up, but she also talked of the life she is joyfully living!
Redemption.
Bro. Goff chose to sing "Where Could I Go" during our singing of Hymns(not a coincidence).
Although, the evening church service was not what I was expecting. I was expecting my dad to preach on comfort or hope, but instead my dad spoke on God's mercy. That was alcohol to my wound. It convicted me so deeply. One thing I have learned from my devotional series from Beth Moore is that conviction is not there to condemn us, but God wants to liberate us through conviction. To clean the wound of our impurities(sin) such as; unbelief, unthankfulness, and other sins alike. I was almost in tears when my dad read from Psalm 103.
Psalm 103King James Version (KJV)
"1Bless the Lord, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless his holy name.
2 Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits:3 Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases;
4 Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies;
5 Who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle's.
6 The Lord executeth righteousness and judgment for all that are oppressed.
7 He made known his ways unto Moses, his acts unto the children of Israel.
8 The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy.
9 He will not always chide: neither will he keep his anger for ever.
10 He hath not dealt with us after our sins; nor rewarded us according to our iniquities.
11 For as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is his mercy toward them that fear him.
12 As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us.
13 Like as a father pitieth his children, so the Lord pitieth them that fear him."
God redeems my life from destruction and crowns me with lovingkindness and tender mercies!
Oh, how God's ways are so tender towards me! He loves me even when my attitude is so ugly! His mercy! His mercy is so much stronger than the mercies of a parent with a child. So much mercy that I do not deserve! Not to even mention Salvation and what He did on the cross for me and the whole world!
God satisfies my mouth with good things!
I am blessed with food for each day that He provides! I am blessed with a job that God provided for me! I have a loving big family whom I consider to be the closest friends that I will ever have! I could go on!
"I am so blessed. God is so good to me...... precious are his thoughts of you and me."
God redeems our life and gives a life that will have eternal value. I'm not saying I believe I will never marry, but all God wants me to do is to sit at His feet, to love Him, to worship Him, and to always be in the spirit of thankfulness.
Psalms 100:4 Enter into his gates with thanksgiving, [and] into his courts with praise: be thankful unto him, [and] bless his name.
Philippians 4:6 Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.
1 Thessalonians 5:18 In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.
Psalms 106:1 Praise ye the LORD. O give thanks unto the LORD; for [he is] good: for his mercy [endureth] for ever.
"In times of sadness and heartache, He taught me to receive His peace through giving thanks in all circumstances. I learned that even in those moments of absolute brokenness I could depend on Him, He was always there." -Elizabeth Urbanowicz from "And The Bride Wore White"
I don't know what heartache you have, but I do know that there is no where else to go, but to the Lord. I am praying for this post to speak right to the heart of my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.
"Where could I go
Oh, where could I go
Seeking a refuge for my soul
Needing a friend to help me in the end
Where could I go but to the Lord "
To know Him,
Mackenzie Knouf
Philippians 3:10
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